you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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