i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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