He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
