Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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