he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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