this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
