When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
