I'm sorry my penis didn't work
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
