I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
