u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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