My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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