To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize