You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
