A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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