Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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