Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
