Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
