my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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