I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
