I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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