This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
