So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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