i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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