I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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