Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
