so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
