She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think people are normalizing furries
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
