walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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