Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
