I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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