if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
