Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
