You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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