Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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