And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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