no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
