Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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