I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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