There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
