Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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