peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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