Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
