How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
