I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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