You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
