I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
