just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
They have beer where we have blood.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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