I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize