I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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