you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
