i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
