I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
