I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
