this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
