Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
