Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
