Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
