Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
