I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
