My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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